***

Two Scotts, a father and his son, go to America.
- Daddy, when we’ll arrive?
- Shut up and swim.

***

A meeting was held in a Scottish town to protest about the fact that bus fares had been reduced.
Citizens were outraged because previously they had saved twenty pence by not using the buses whereas now they were only saving fifteen pence.

***

McTavish suffered a brainstorm and bought two tickets in a raffle. He won one thousand pounds.
"How do you feel about your big win?" McNab asked him.
"Disappointed," said McTavish, "The other ticket didn't win a thing."

***

McDonald comes home with a basket full of strawberries and offers one to his son:
"Here, boy. The others taste the same."

***

A tourist asks the Loch Ness tour guide:
"When do tourists usually see the monster?"
"After about 10 glasses of whisky", he replies.

***

McTavish comes to the Voice of Britain headquarters and tells the editor:
"If you don't stop publishing scots jokes, I'll never borrow your newspaper again."

***

McGregor dies and his wife orders a tombstone with the inscription: "Rest in peace".
After finding out he donated his fortune to charity, she orders the inscription of another row: "Till I see you again."

***

A scottish young man, by name of Donald MacGregor, comes to an English university.
After he had been there for a week, his mother came to visit.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?", she asked.
"Well", he replied, "they're such strange and noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop.
The one on the other side screams and screams and screams into the night!"
"Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"

***