English Improvements

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

The Loyal Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me'. And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him'.
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?!!!!'
'I sure did, said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

American Movies Rules

• Large houses in New York have a rent affordable to anyone, business man or unemployed;
• At least one out of two identical twins is evil;
• Don't worry about disarming a bomb: you'll always choose the right wire to cut;
• Every laptop is powerful enough to detect any invading alien civilization's communication system;
• It doesn't matter that you're outnumbered: your opponents will paciently wait for you to beat them one at a time;
• Every pretty, blonde girl is likely to become an expert in nuclear bombs before the age of 22;
• Hard working, honest police officers are constantly shot three days before retirement;
• Instead of wasting precious bullets, the 'bad guys' will always use complicated schemes of killing 'the good guys' (rockets, machines, deadly gasses, lasers or man-eating sharks): anything that takes at least 20 minutes, enough time for them to escape;
• It's easy for anyone to be a pilot on any type of plane, with nothing but the instructions of someone in the control tower;
• Once applied, make-up doesn't go away, no matter what you do, including swimming underwater. It's no wonder female characters have perfect make-up when they wake up in the morning.
• You will survive a battle, unless you make the big mistake of showing someone else a picture of the girlfriend waiting for you back home;
• If you want to impersonate a German or Russian, you don't need to know any foreign language - an accent is enough;
• The Eiffel tower is seen from any window in Paris;
• A man will never show any sign of pain during the most difficult fight, but they'll always scream when a woman is cleaning his wounds;
• If there is any glass window, carried on the street, anywhere in sight, someone will pass through it sooner or later;
• When you need to open a file on any computer, it will never have a cursor, but it will always ask you for the password;
• When you drive on a straight road, you'll need to turn left and right every few seconds;
• Every bomb has a clock with big, red digits, showing the time left until the explosion and proving very useful when waiting until the last second to disarm the bomb;
• Detectives can only solve a case after they are suspended;
• If you decide to dance on the street, everyone you meet will know the steps exactly;
• Police departments force their employees to take personality tests, to make sure the ones with opposite personalities become partners;
• When they are alone, all foreigners decide to speak English;
• Don't worry - if you're the good guy, you'll save the world and get the girl; if you're the bad guy, you'll always get defeated, no matter what you try.

The exam

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing very well in class and thought that going into the final they had a solid "A". They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends.
They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.
Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
relieved.
At the final, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
The first problem, worth 5 points, was something simple.
"Cool", they thought. "This is going to be easy."
The next problem was worth 95 points. It asked: "Which tire?"

You know you've been in college too long when...

- You consider McDonald's "real food".
- World War III could take place and you wouldn’t have a clue.
- Walking three miles for a party is no longer unusual.
- You know the pizza delivery boys by name.
- The weekend lasts from Wednesday morning to Tuesday night.
- Computer Solitaire is more than a game - it's a way of life.
- You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
- Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
- Prank phone calls become funny again.
- Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
- You actually like doing laundry.
- You'd rather clean than study.
- You start thinking, talking and acting like your roommate.

Freshmen vs. Seniors

The Best Ways to Annoy your Professor

The best ways to annoy your roommate

Being yourself

-I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
-Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than I told you so!
-As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
-The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
-The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
-When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
-I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
-A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
-Joan of Arc heard voices too.
-As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

Content and Images © Ina T unless mentioned otherwise